When Did My Perimenopause Begin? 

I’d like to find the thread, trace this transition back to its beginning, but I know this is a construct, since the beginning isn’t a clear place. It seemed to start and stop and then start again, sometime back in my life as a young mother.

If I’m going to identify a starting point it would be in 2003 when I first miscarried. Chris and I wanted a second child and were were lucky that getting pregnant wasn’t a problem. We were lucky with Sophia, our first daughter. That pregnancy went very smoothly. But the first try for a second child didn’t make it past 10 weeks. Then it happened again. Then a third time. My hormone levels had changed enough so that I couldn’t stay pregnant. 

The first time I used bioidentical hormones was when I squirted progesterone up into my vagina to keep a pregnancy intact. That pregnancy was Eliza, who is now 15, so it worked. I was very grateful for those progesterone suppositories. Very grateful to be able to “correct” the imbalance so I could stay pregnant.

Once I got out of the first trimester and it became clear that the pregnancy was likely to work, I was the happiest I had been, maybe ever. The miscarriages had left me feeling so very mortal. They were the first time my body had failed me, let me down, been unable to do what seemed normal and healthy. So as I entered the full bloom of the second and third trimesters I felt a joyful release from all that worry and surrendered happily to abundance. I remember waking up starving in the middle of the night during my second trimester. It was a rainy winter but I’d get dressed and drive myself to the Denny’s in Emeryville where I sat, happily scarfing down a Grand Slam Breakfast, surrounded by PG&E workers who’d been out repairing downed power lines. Good times. After that first breakfast (just like a Hobbit!) I’d head home and crawl back into bed.

So pregnancy agreed with me. And after Eliza was born I felt fantastic. My body seemed to have everything it needed to maintain an even mood (except sleep, of course!) and breastfeeding came easily. But once Eliza was about 1 or 2 I started feeling anxious in a way I hadn’t felt before. I struggled with a feeling of dread and small feelings of uncertainty or irritation became overwhelming. I remember feeling annoyed with our next door neighbor for draping some blankets to dry over the fence we shared. The feeling became so intense that I had to lie down and realized I was having a panic attack.

I would end up spending my 40s experimenting with different ways to manage anxiety: therapy, Prozac and eventually bioidentical hormones. It was a long rocky road and I wish, looking back, that I’d had better options, because none of the ones I tried really worked all that well. And some of them would contribute to major health issues later.

Next post: How the menopause transition challenges the notion of gender.